CHECK YOUR INTENTIONS

When I first heard the term “Microwave Marriage”, I thought of “pop in and pop out”!  My second thought was I know this is not happening in Islam because as Muslims we know better- UHHH NOT! Indeed it is happening and Muslims are marrying with the intention to divorce and/or marrying and divorcing at the first sign of hardships! I could mention marrying in secret but that is another blog of its own. How is it that non-believers can stay married 10, 20, 30 years and our marriages last 10, 20, 30 days?  Oh yes I know about the Qadr but I also know that “disease of ill intentions” lies in the heart of people and it is destroying families.   Women are not disposable sponges that once you have gotten it wet, soaked up and laid out to dry you roll out.  Even when you pop popcorn in the microwave it has stages that it must go thru before the kernel develops to be eaten, so what do we say about our new brides and grooms are we not going to develop together.  I love the person who thinks the grass is greener on the other side-Opps! I bet they found it wasn’t. Quality is better than Quantity, truth be told there is a lot of single women out here but the quality is slim.  Sisters- if you find a decent man chances are he is already married so if you not with polygyny turn to your lord and ask for guidance and “Get with it”.  There will come a time where a man will be responsible for 50 women and they won’t be all his wives but there won’t be enough room for all of that excessive jealousy so get rid of it!  Marry for the right reasons, you are not getting away with anything because even when you are uncertain of your intentions Allah is not uncertain of them and you will answer for the wrong doings you do to others if Allah the Al Mighty wills.

The Path to a “Microwave Marriage”   (possible thoughts of the ill intended person seeking this type of marriage)

Self-Reflection:

·         I’m not committed to him/her, I just want him/her to give me this or that or make me feel like this or that and if they don’t I’m out.

·         If she will take me just as I am, Man I will marry her! I ain’t getting a job, ain’t going to pray at the masjid but once I put it on her she will put up with anything! Oh and as soon as she check me on my Deen I’m going to “Pop out” of her life before she can but the “T” in talaq!

·         Uhh! Let’s see I do need my bills paid next month and I know the brother got some money.  I know the wakil and the brother’s at the masjid said his Deen is jacked up and they would not recommend him from marriage but I will give it a shot anyway! One thing is for sure I can ask for a Khula!

·         I know Allah will forgive my sins, so even though I know that I will not give this person their rights and I will benefit from receiving mines and I will oppress them but it’s all ok because I will be forgiven.

·         Man my wife tripping! She thinks she is enough for me! I need four wives, she knows how I put it down I’m going to get me another wife no matter what! No I can’t afford another one but sister’s these days work and take care of themselves, my loving will be enough to fulfill her she don’t need my money.

·         My ex-husband/baby daddy (who by the way is a bum) has talaqed me 3 times and I really want him back…Please someone anyone marry me so I can get him back!!!! Oh don’t worry about a STD check, don’t worry about a dowry or any conditions just hurry anyone marry me so I can get back to that dead beat who I just can’t get enough of.

·         I want that sister, I’m going to get my friend to be her wakil and find us two witness’s from anywhere once I get this contract signed she going to be mines tonight and before she wake up in the morning I will be at my first wife house and she will be left abandon and divorced. So what, it happens all the time sister’s get over it

Seeking out the person who is most likely to be caught off guard

The brother who is seeking a wife:

Beware my dear sister’s because most of the time he is well presented.  Now the bums they really present themselves as bum’s, it’s just that you either choose to ignore it or are simply just used to bum’s and think that this is all you are going to get.  This “Microwave Marriage Seeker” has his plot already set up and he has chosen you because he see’s something in you that will allow him to get you to trust him.  See he has got to earn as much trust from you as he can doing the “Sit down” process. He has to make you believe in his “potential”.  Now be careful because his references “WILL” check out and to you this will be a good thing but in reality it’s not, it is part of his plot that he needs to make you feel secure.  He is not concerned that you got 6 kids with 4 different fathers who don’t help out, he is not concerned that you already work 2 jobs and stressed and even more devastating is he don’t care that you live in the “ghetto” by force and not by choice because his intention is to “Pop In and Pop Out”.  When you are at a sit down or talking to a brother on the phone with your wakil and you tell him the conditions of your life and the hardships you endure as a single mom and he is not coming up with a plan to better that once he is your husband, that is a clear sign the is not committed to a long term life with you. Another sign is he wants to get married in a rush, can’t wait 2 or 3 months he gotta have you right now!!!  What about you makes him gotta have you “right now”, yes you are pretty, got your head on right that’s all good but wouldn’t that mean you are worth waiting for.  Beware of the hasty one’s my sister’s.  We will get into more signs later.

The sister who is seeking a husband:

Oh my dear brothers, sisters are not the only victims of “Microwave Marriages”!  Beware my brother’s because she will dress the sunnah, she will come to the sit down as fly as she possibly can get prior to been your wife.  She knows how to flatter you (which is not a bad thing if the intention is good and she is your wife) but she has a plot as well.  The most manipulative, deceptive, misguided and treacherous women are the very one’s closest to you.  They are the mothers of our communities, sister’s to one another and your future wives.  Most of the time there sins are not open to the community to the degree that men sins are.  This is because rarely do a brother call the masjid complaining about his wife he would much rather tell one of his homeboys but a sister she will.  Unfortunately confidentiality does not mean much today as it should, if you ever want to cover your sins don’t tell anyone and conceal them!  Most of the time the brother exposes his own evils, he leaves his Facebook page up with naked women on them, he leaves condoms in his laundry when he and his current wife don’t use them.  I can go on and on and not to mention all the addiction to pornography in our communities which will Insha Allah be my next blog.  Now be careful because this sister won’t come highly recommended, do you want to know why? BECAUSE MEN RARELY CHECK OUT THE CHARACTER OF A WOMAN! The sister’s wakil will check out the brother but for some reason brother’s seem to take the word of the sister they are going to marry that “she is good”.  Who told you to do that?  Why don’t you have to check on her, that’s ridiculous?  She will be the mother of your children, the care taker of your home and hopefully a good companion and comfort to you.  Now you want to know after the nikah why the chicken is always burnt, why her hygiene and cleanliness is almost nonexistent and most of all she knows very little about her religion. If she is to be the 2^nd wife her sole intention is to marry you, put it on you soooo good and to manipulate the marriage so she can get you all to herself. Now remember in the “sit down” she was all for polygyny and couldn’t wait to be one big happy family! Not!  She destroy's families, she has been abused, misused and disrespect so much that she won’t allow herself to be happy anymore and she don’t want to see you happy or any other happily married couple.  She is highly skilled now, she is not an amateur and most of the time you won’t see any of this coming and by the time it hits you-YOU HAVE LOST BOTH WIVES and the “Microwave Marriage seeker” is on the way to her next victim by way of a Khula.

Bad Signs/ Red Flags

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·         During the conversations and/or sit down, his/her only concern is how soon the marriage will take place.
·         If he says he needs time to get his finances together “run”! Don’t start sympathizing with his affairs he should have had them in order before he sought out a wife!!!!!!!
·         If she gets an attitude or her facial expression changes or physical demeanor change every time you mention polygyny “run”! Forget about what comes out of her mouth because she may very well be hiding the fact that she hates it..Don’t marry a woman who don’t want polygyny IF you want it, you are setting yourself up for martial discord.
·         If the first thing she mentions to you is how much her bills are, that’s pretty much all she is interested in. Don’t think she will go the extra mile to please you or give you the “Red light special” once a week! She may give you just enough rights to keep you from complaining because all she wants is financial maintenance your happiness means very little to her and if you start complaining she will find one fault of yours and ask for a Khula
·         Sister’s if no one in the community see’s this brother except on Jummah-this is a problem (excluding work schedules because he may pray the jummat somewhere else).  Also, if a brother is praying at the masjid daily the community will get to know him, if he is hardly there what kind of references are you going to get- you will get the “homeboy hook up”-RUN!
·         If he has muslim kids from a prior marriage and he doesn’t get them on the weekends because of “whatever”, this is a bad sign.  I don’t care how much child support is paid; a man should be very involved in his kids life after all chances are he will be the father of your future children with him if Allah wills.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR SELF:

1.       Why am I getting married?

2.       Do I meet the qualifications of a husband or wife?

3.       Am I responsible enough?

4.       Do I really want polygyny to practice the sunnah or to feel an uncontrollable sexual desire?

5.       Am I taking another wife as a “free trial” and if it doesn’t work out I still have my first wife?

6.       What about this brother makes me want to marry him when I know his Deen is wack?

7.       Do I have a valid reason for a Khula?

8.       Have I endured enough, can I be more patient?

9.       Should I marry this sister knowing that I’m going to divorce her in a few months if the sex is not right?

10.    Am I being honest with myself about what I need in a mate?